I think therefore I am.....

...and what I am is alone. I miss the feeling of being in a relationship, but at the same time I'm honestly afraid to even remotely try a new one. I have a fear of becoming nothing more than a stepping stone in someones life till they find who they are truly supposed to be with....at least thats been the pattern so far in my life. Not to say those loves from the past were anything less than amazing, it just always turned out that I was never "life long" or I found some way to screw it up.

Is it weird that I am absolutely happy with myself until I consider if I'm good enough for a girl?

Once a relationship comes into play, I instantly feel like I don't have a chance in hell. I get this constant feeling like I'm not attractive enough, or interesting enough.

This is really starting to become a problem, but I have no clue what Im supposed to do to fix it. All relationships Ive had in the past happened out of sheer luck, or I was just what was left over or the second option. I have no idea how to ask someone out. I have no idea if a date is going well.

...I have no idea if a girl is into me or if they are just trying to not hurt my ego.

Simply put, I want a girl. A girl that gets me, that wont freak out on me all the time, that wont abandon me when I need them. Someone I can love 24/7, yet still keep my own independence, and allow them theirs. I want something that I've had before...I want perfection.

my dad told me "Never settle for what you can live with, settle for what you cant live without."

Up until now I've lived my life by that. But now I'm starting to wonder if thats the best option for me at this point in my life....Should I settle? Lower my standards? Or keep searching for that perfect relationship? Because my fear is that Ill be waiting forever in a vast void of false hopes, a broken heart, and a fragile spirit...

Ugh.

Dealing with stupidity is like fucking for the sake of becoming a virgin again...

The Endless...

Uh hi.


Throughout my blogs for the next few weeks my focus word will be concepts, and more importantly my (and at some points what I perceive to be a mass majority of the human race's) interpretations of what they are. Whatever this...project evolves into after that is what it will be and what it is supposed to be. This will be a place where I will NOT limit my thoughts or edit for any cosmetically pleasing reasons. This may probably get as close to an interpretation of how my mind works as it gets.

But before I start let me give a full disclaimer...This isn't an attempt to impress or provide fake comfort to myself by basking in my own intelligence. In short, this is me telling it how it is, and I take full note in the fact that some, if not most of this will not make any sense at all....Not even to me. with that in mind, all I ask is that you keep an open mind, to fullest extent of that request.

And here we go...

The concept of destiny is something that I find to be both perplexing and yet insanely simple all at the same time. however, I have so many questions on this subject....

Random hypothesis: Our lives are the children born from the love affair of time and destiny.

When it comes to destiny I think our interpretations are limited not by our ability to comprehend the concept, but rather our willingness to let go of what we want destiny to be versus what it actually is.....It comes down to control. We are afraid of not having control of our destinies. But why? This opens up so many doors....Religion, moral fiber, relationships...all based around the world of destiny, but distorted by the concept of control....Now I'm asking myself is it controlled by the choices I make or is it already written out?

Why can't it be both?

Hypothesis: We are in control of the destiny that is already written out for us.

To be honest, I'm not even sure I can even grasp the fucking thought. I mean, I hear it...but I'm not listening to what its saying...I keep reading it over and over...searching for something out of it.

I think I got the hypothesis down....only took me an hour of staring at the damn statement...

Ill reinforce it with a statement I just thought up...

We are going to do what we are going to do. Sounds simple but really think about it...Your going to read what your reading right now, Or your going to stop. The fact remains that your still doing something and your control is your choice. The inevitable is the fact that its going to happen.

Hypothesis: Destiny is where the absolution of inevitability and the freedom of choice coexist.

Yea...I like that.



Ok, Bye.